The Erin Andrews Story

8 MAR 10: I only edited this story ONCE to eliminate spelling and grammar errors.

Folks, this is the unabridged "Erin Andrews Story" I've received fame (or infamy) for, and will be the most detailed account I've ever given. Before I begin though, I need to address something:

I do NOT hate Erin Andrews. I just don't like her. I know she has one of the world's greatest jobs, and that she has the admiration of many men and women everywhere in America, and perhaps Worldwide. Men dream about doing her, women dream about doing her job. But, last night, I was talking with a friend of mine, and I found the following picture. He said, "That's probably the reason you got the cold shoulder. Hate him, not her." Without further adieu on this end:


This Iowa douchebag obviously PHOTOSHOPPED this image, and that raised a red flag on her end. This is probably the main reason I didn't get a chance to have a photo taken with her; she was probably afraid that I (or one of my friends) would photoshop it. Hell, I can barely use MS Paint as it is (putting the PHSN logo on all pic), let alone download the giant program that is Photoshop. Anyway, enough with my (lack of) photo-editing skills...

PART 1
October 2008- WVU vs. Auburn; Morgantown, WV. I was sitting in my apartment (that happens to be across from Mountaineer Field) pondering sign ideas. I came up with two: "FIRE JEFF MULLEN" (Mullen is our jackass offensive coordinator and couldn't coordinate an offense out of a wet paper bag) and "ERIN ANDREWS, WILL YOU MARRY ME?" I knew the 2nd sign would get the most attention of the night. However, I was sitting in the upper student section, and I doubt Andrews would have seen the sign. Before the game, me and my buddy got there pretty early, and we were the only ones in our section, and sure enough, my sign made the big screen at Milan Puskar Stadium. The text messages and phone calls just flooded in after that!

While we came back and won that game 34-17 over Auburn (an SEC team), I was getting all kinds of attention over the sign. Girls everywhere LOVED it (and the funny part, most of them had no fucking clue who Erin Andrews was. Sometimes, instead of correcting cute but dumb girls, you just gotta play along) and thought it was so awesome I was asking a girl to marry me at the game. However, I didn't just throw away the sign. I kept it, thinking I may have a better chance at a basketball game (better chance of what-- at least meeting her and getting a photo taken with her. The sign was just used for publicity/harf harf harf purposes.) Everyday I woke up and took a few steps out of my bedroom, I saw the sign, tacked up on my wall.

PART 2
Around late February, I got wind (haha) that College Basketball Gameday was coming to Morgantown for our matchup against Louisville. It was also Senior Night, a time to honor Alex Ruoff (who had a damn awful game that night, FYI.)

That Friday afternoon, around 2:30pm, I set up a tarp for me and a bunch of friends in front of the Coliseum to be a part of the campout. Equipped with 2 bags of chips, 4 AMPs, 2 bags of Pepperoni rolls, both of my cell phone's batteries, and my sign. The players and Coach Huggins came out to socialize and talk to the students waiting. I actually had a conversation with Alex Ruoff that consisted of his career plans after WVU, he saw my sign and he said, "Man, I hope you meet Erin Andrews." Everything was great for the next 12 hours (although some asshole stole one bag of Pepperoni Rolls... if I ever find out who did it, I'll throttle 'em to death) until around 2am. I was deep asleep when Joe Mazzulla, who was injured (and shitfaced this night) went around waking everyone up. He woke me up (along with everyone else) and that's when all hell broke loose!

Tents were de-constructed, people were squeezing in line, (and the gates weren't going to be open until 8 or 9am, I don't remember which it was) and there was one CSC staffer trying to control at least 1000 student. I mean, it was fucking tiring standing out in line! Around 7am, two of my best buds show up, and I just let them in line with me. I wanted to enjoy College Gameday with them, and nobody else. What was funny is we got some of the last wristbands to get in. It was so exciting to be featured on ESPN. We got front row seats under a basket, and shortly after College Gameday came on, the text messages and phone calls came rolling in: "We saw your sign on TV!" It was indeed a lot of fun, with an appearance by WVU and NBA legend (and LOGO) Jerry West.

After that, me and my friends decided to go to Cici's for lunch. There, I proceeded to stuff my face with as much pizza and pasta as I could handle. The conclusion with my physical condition at Cici's was, "You look like hell." Well, thanks! I also felt like hell! After that, we went to my friend's house (which isn't too far from the Coliseum) and just hung out, then we decided to wait in line around 4pm to get in for the game. Again, there was a huge crowd, but more orderly. One side story I MUST tell: I had to hop the barriers so I could go to the bathroom... I guess I took off kinda fast, because when I got back outside, everyone out there started clapping and cheering for me. I just started laughing (seriously, what the hell else was I supposed to do?)

We are finally inside the Coliseum, and it's an ELECTRIC atmosphere. Finally, sometime before the game, Erin Andrews came out to a HUGE ovation. Up went my sign, along with some other, well, parts... me and my friends were sitting 8 rows up from the court. She was waving at all of us, and she saw my sign, smiled, and waved at me! I was the center of attention in my section, and I was happy.

WVU wound up losing the game by 1 point. It was indeed a heart-breaking loss. Anyway, it was time to go to the other side of the court and get a pic taken with Erin Andrews. The conversation with my friends went like this:

Me: "Guys, I'm about to head over to the other side of the court to meet Erin Andrews. Wanna come over with me and meet her?"
Friend 1: "Naa, we'll just wait outside of the Coliseum for you."

Gee, thanks assholes!

As I was making my way over to her, I knew she probably wouldn't have had time for small-talk and whatnot, so I was readying my phone (a Samsung Blackjack) for a picture, all someone had to do what hit the "shoot" button. She took a pic with some older dude, then with a couple of younger girls (I'd say 10, 11 years old... just a guess.) Finally, I approached her, and said, "Hey, Erin, would it be alright if I had a picture with you?"

She just looked right at me, turned around and with a CSC staffer, headed right towards her dressing room. I got out an "Excuse me, Erin?" but it was no use. I yelled something at her that can't even be printed at Peephole Sports. However, those that know were shocked that I would say that.

Several people still hanging around said to me, "Dude, forget her. It's not worth it."

I just looked at them and nodded my head and took what I felt was my longest "walk of shame" ever. Outside of the Coliseum, my friends waited on me. The conversation went something like this:

Friend: "So, Jim, how'd it go with Erin Andrews?"
Me: (10 second pause) "THAT F*CKIN C*NT BITCH GAVE ME THE COLD SHOULDER!"

On the way back to my friend's house, I ripped the sign up and threw it in the woods. Back at my friend's house, his girlfriend served me 5 vodka shots. I NEVER drink vodka, but Erin Andrews drove me to vodka that night. I vowed revenge.

PART 3

This was a typical summer Sunday afternoon in Morgantown. I was sitting out on my front porch just slamming down beer as fast as I could, simply because I could. I then feel my phone vibrate in my pocket (for those that have owned Samsung Blackjacks, the phone's vibrations can jar you out of a coma) and it was a Facebook message from a friend that said: "I know you hate her, but you gotta check this link out." I stumble inside to my apartment, open Facebook, and click the link, and holy hell... it was ERIN ANDREWS NAKED! (hits will increase now!) For the record: Yes, I have seen all of the Peephole videos of Erin Andrews. This was about a day or so before this became big news. Deadspin was the first sports site to break the story out. To this day, I go to Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber before I hit up ESPN.com when I do my morning reading. Most bloggers weighed in early on the Erin Andrews/Peephole video issue. At first, I thought it was hysterical that Erin Andrews was peeped on, but as I realized later on, that's a gross invasion of someone's privacy, no matter how much I despise and detest them. Well, the creepy pervert known as Michael David Barrett is going to be in prison for a long time. I hope he likes getting his "hole peeped into by a bunch of one-eyed monsters." The funny part about all that was, people actually thought I was the stalker! Stalking requires an effort, and I'm just too fuckin lazy to be a stalker. Plus, the fact that it's CREEPY and ILLEGAL... yeah, that's a receipe for disaster. Nothing good EVER comes out of stalking. Just ask somebody I know who decided to stalk my neighbor.

PART 4
Last September, I was turned on to blogs such as Kissing Suzy Kolber and Deadspin, and naturally, became fans of them because of their humor (among other things.) A buddy of mine, Jeremy, blogs about sports on a regular basis. One day, he sent me a list of blog titles he thought about using for a new blog, and one of them I liked was Peephole Sports... I obviously suggested that one. However, he went with "Deep Thigh Bruise" after it was suggested by the great one, "Big Daddy Drew" Magary. I figured I should take the "Peephole Sports" title and run with it. I figured in a roundabout way that would be my revenge on Erin Andrews. In December, I piloted Peephole Sports elsewhere. In January, I officially launched it after my trip to Jacksonville, FL. It has been a wild ride ever since them.

ONE YEAR LATER
Yep, it is one year later that the Erin Andrews Cold Shoulder happened. I look back and think that it could not have led to this, but it has. She still has many fans of both genders. However, I've met a few people that don't like her for varying reasons. I also know two girls in particular that says they can do a better job than Erin Andrews, and I told them if I ever became a talent agent, I would be more than happy to represent them.

Now that I think about it, I still think it was the Iowa douchebag's photoshop skills that soured Erin Andrews on taking photos with men; or she must have had a bad day when I approached her. Who knows. I did heckle her at the WVU-Colorado game this past season, however, it was from the same upper-section, so I doubt she heard me.

And, yes, there are better looking women in sports: Jenn Brown and Charissa Thompson, just to name a couple. Smarter and better looking, to boot! Readers, have I left any out? If so, e-mail me and I'll add them. I hope at some point to profile them, and HOPEFULLY, interview them.

(Puts down weed.)

Anyway, I showed a friend of mine this blog, and he said, "This domain is SO you. Erin Andrews would get offended." We're here to entertain, inform and offend. I am an equal-opportunity offender. I also do this due to my love of sports and writing.

I've also decided that this will be the last time, EVER that I tell this story. From here on out, if anybody wants to know the Erin Andrews Story, I will refer them to this entry.

I have a plea to my fellow sports fan dude: THERE ARE OTHER WOMEN IN SPORTS BESIDES ERIN ANDREWS! BROADEN YOUR HORIZONS ALREADY!

That is all.